To dream that you are in a disaster represents your personal anxieties and fears of change. You are afraid of not knowing what is in store for you in the future. To dream that a plane crashes signifies that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. You are in danger of having those goals come crashing down. Alternatively, the crashing airplane represents your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. You do not believe in your own ability to achieve those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.

I can’t sleep so I looked but a few words in the Dream Dictionary online that related to this really sad and disturbing dream I had on Friday night.

The dream: I was at some kind of farm or state fair with my family,surrounded by friends and recognizable people. Cows,skinned,were being roasted alive. I could hear their painful mooing and cries. I could see the pain in their eyes. I started hysterically crying, dropped down to my knees and wanted to die. All the pain,desperation,anger, and heart-ache washed over me and I felt my lungs collapsing. I was gasping for air, crying so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I couldn’t believe that such an injustice was being accepted by all of us. The cruelty and torture of such innocent and docile animals was going on right before my eyes and no one was helping them! I remember asking some random man in overalls how this could be happening? I just felt so hopeless and alone. I wanted so badly to be a heroin. Yet I was so upset that I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t snap myself out of my despair to do something I so badly wanted to do. I didn’t stand up for what I thought was right.

I think this all goes back to my internal conflict about standing up/speaking out against the offensive things my “friends” say. Maybe I sound crazy but it all ties in together.

To dream that you are being tortured indicates that you are feeling victimized or helpless in some relationship or situation. You feel that you cannot do anything. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you may exhibit some sadomasochistic desires. To dream that you are torturing someone or see others being tortured suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream indicates repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life.To dream that you or someone is being cruel signifies the release of pent-up hostility and anger. You may need to acknowledge the shadow and negative aspects of your personality.To dream that someone is being cruel to you suggests that you need to develop your inner and outer strengths and become more emotionally strong.To see a cow in your dream symbolizes your passive and docile nature. You obey others without question. Alternatively, a cow represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood.To see the skeleton of a cow suggests that your mother or motherly figure in your waking life is displaying a lack of emotions. She is being unresponsive to your needs.To see a herd of cows indicates your need to belong.To dream that you are milking a cow represents your willingness and drive to work hard. In the end, you will benefit from your hard work.

Maybe it’s just me but it seems like I always have that one “friend” who is really… ignorant?  I think that’s the kind of behavior/mind-set I’m trying to describe. It’s kind of like that video “shit that white girls say to black girls” on YouTube. Well at least that’s kind of like my situation…It doesn’t have to be a white person, this certain “friend” can be of any race, even of your own ethnicity. Let me start off by saying that YES, it is totally possible I could be taking what my “friends” are saying out of context, projecting my own subsurface, back of the mind, “how you really feel” feelings and running in the wrong direction with them; BUT let me try to explain what I mean, what they’re saying, and why I’m interpreting it in an offensive way. I’ll also add that YES, it is completely possible that I could be doing this to some of my friends or aquatints with out even recognizing that I’m doing so; BUT I am the kind of person that puts conscious thought into things I say, how I phrase what I’m going to say, and if it is indeed going to sound rude/offensive/abrasive to whom I’m speaking with. I’m a Pieces, I can’t help it; it’s what some of us do. I’m not just saying this in my defense. I have anxiety attacks over weather or not I’ve said the right thing to someone or not. I know how delicate and fragile a human’s feelings are. I’m human and I have feelings, so I know. What I say may seem bias or untrue but with all that said, here we go;

Living in southern California, there is a significant amount of Mexican-Americans and Mexican people who live/work here. Of course there are other types of Latinos who live here too but Mexican-Americans and Mexican people, if you ask me, are the majority. I have absolutely NO issue with that what-so-ever! I love all types of people! I don’t think any kind of person is “less-than” or “better-than” another. But I do have certain “friends” who think this way. If we are in a place or area where a lot of Mexican-Americans or Latinos are or live..ughh at this point I’m ashamed to even be associated with these people, better yet call them my “friends”…my “friends” will be like “ewww we need to get out of here! there are too many Mexicans”. Like they’re not even humans! I’ve met these girls’ parents and they have the same mentality and it disgusts me! Or if we’re getting ready together and I’m putting on my make-up they’ll make a comment like “your foundation looks like poop” and start laughing…Do they not know how rude that is? Never have I ever said anything like that to one of my friends; and I would NEVER even think of saying that or anything like that to any of my friends…so I think to myself why do they think it’s okay to say that to me? Honestly, I feel like it’s because they think I’m beneath them. I could be projecting this feeling but think about it, wouldn’t you feel a little stepped on if someone made a comment like that to you?

You may be asking or saying to yourself, why are you considering these people your friends? Why are you associating yourself with these kind of people? I ask myself this every single time I hang out with one of them. I feel guilty by association when I’m with them. Here is the problem; I have really close friendships with these people. Some of these girls are my closest friends, which hurts me even more. I don’t know weather or not to end my relationships with them. It seems like such an easy choice but it’s like an abusive relationship…I keep going back. Being completely honest here, their words hurt to the point where I actually do feel like I’m less than them. Instead of them empowering me, lifting me up, they’re putting me down, making me feel like dirt. It’s an unhealthy situation.

Here is the sad thing; majority of people I know act this way and feel this day. I don’t know a lot of people who deep down are like me and feel respect and love for  the human race as a whole…it may not seem that way all the time though. As a defense mechanism I’ve learned to just agree with my “friends” racists, mean, and degrading comments and ideals because it’s easier than correcting them or arguing. I don’t think anyone knows how much I just want to scream.

Hmmm; yet again I haven’t been on here in forever. I’m always on YouTube watching  make-up tutorials, even though I never wear make-up, or music videos, because MTV and VH1 rarely play them anymore & I only have basic cable in my room SO that means none of the cool channels that actually play music videos.

I need a job!! I haven’t worked since the beginning of the year. I feel like such a loser and I get really bored during the day; which just leads to me taking a bunch of naps and watching daytime TV when I could be making money. I’ve applied just about everywhere except for a few food places. I’m scared to work in fast food or a restaurant because I’m almost positive that all I will do on my breaks is eat and get even fatter than I already am and that is the last thing I need right now. I’ve been working out frequently though. I’ve gained weight but that may just be because I’m building up my muscle again. Maybe one day I’ll be toned again! I might even get my guns back!! I need a gym membership though. I’ve been trying to work on these pesky stretch-marks at the same time. Bio-Oil works but I feel like it works better for people who are trying to prevent stretch-marks, not fade their existing ones. I want to try Mederma but it’s kind of expensive. Yet another reason as to why I need a job. Andrea (yes, the beauty guru) said exfoliating helps get rid of them too so I want to find a coco butter scrub to used on them everyday. I mean I use my loofah but I feel like that’s not even enough! I fucking HATE stretch-marks!! Every year when summer comes around I get depressed because I can’t go to the beach and chill in my bikini with these nasty stretch-marks showing. I already feel like a beached whale laying on the beach because I’m fat! The stretch-marks make me feel like I’m an ugly beached whale; not the cute beached whale that everyone wants to help and save! Anyways….I always have a ton on my mind.